Just breathe

Because I shouldn't cry over what I let go. Breathe. Just breathe.

My heart is heavy by the weight of its tears

We give to unclutter, we give to better ourselves. We give because it is in the giving that we grow, we learn, we triumph and we love.

But in so giving, we are subject still, to the close of every chapter, the arriving again at another juncture. And as much for the reward I feel for giving, I feel as much also the pain. The reflection, in hindsight, the knowledge of just how much we have given so that we might make room for more... There is, deep inside, the hurt that I breathe, from the unearthing and the releasing of all those little particles that make the sum of my parts, given, away, to someone or something or some cause else, which I can never retrieve again to call my own.

It isn't the giving with which I cannot live, but the letting go that something other than my thinking, analysing, practical faculties which struggles to be at peace. The weight of this at any present moment is thrown to the wind with caution, hunting and haunting you only with the bow of time and its arrow of lost.

For those crossroads we must continually come upon and choose from, it is the course of natural life with which we have no control.

And everytime, a part of me dies. And everytime, I search and yearn and long for a peace that must only exist in the imaginations of men, desperate for a cloak of comfort to come to terms with this life.

I give because I want to give. I give because I cannot help but give. From where, for once, tell me how it gets any easier. Or, at least, how to be fulfilled with the concept that in giving, I have also gotten. For once, tell me, how I should live with myself, at peace. Satisfied. Because I still would not have changed a thing. I know, in the end, I will always give.

Maybe, afterwards, I can pick on my wounds chewing on the reality that is Choice. And all the inexplicables that come with it.

Emotions, unstable

Feeling, ah feeling is the problem to begin with.
I'm just so... Stupidly, uncontrollably wretched.


A much sought after end draws near.
Which will give rise to the start of a bigger, worser, more emotionally challenging start.
I just want to bail.



I hate not being in control.
I hate not being strong.
I want but I don't but I do long to be needy.
I just want to give in to this... Tiredness.



Blue blue blue. And awake. Not good.

X, you are meant to be my friend

I beg you now, tonight be my friend. Take away:

The good
The great
The plans

The memories

The past
The pain
The loss

The tears

Just for tonight. Just for tonight.

The imprint - of you, on me - I fear will never leave

An imprint - I fear - I never want to lose

On top of all my usual stress manifestations, I can now add chest pains.

I let you down, but we both feel like shit.

If nothing else, we will always be best friends - we'll always have that.

Can I just die.

No one shows me tenderness

The way that you do.





And I believe that no one else will ever come close.

Your tenderness is what amazes me each time anew; your tenderness is what I will always hold dear and what will break my heart whenever I think of you.

It isn't your burden alone

This resistance.

But to decide what's fair to us both may be mine only. Like I don't already know there's no such thing.

What doesn't kill you

Doesn't necessarily make you stronger but it does and will feel like sorry fuck.

Don't I know it, don't I know.

Just me, as I am

When I am lost
You shine a light for me
And set me free
When I am low
You wash away my tears
And take me through

The loneliness
And emptiness
Through the darkest night
Somehow I survive
Through it all

When you tell me I'm the only one you need
Sweet and tenderly
And your love
Breaks away the clouds surrounding me
All I have I want to give to thee

If I should fall
Your love is strong enough to lift me up
If I'm afraid
You chase away my fears
And take me to

A brighter place
Beyond the rain
And I feel alright
'Cause you're by my side
Through it all

You take me through
The loneliness and emptiness
And I feel alright
'Cause you're by my side
Through it all

You tell me I'm the only one you need
Sweet and tenderly
And your love
Just breaks away the clouds surrounding me
And baby all I have I want to give to thee

Want to give you all of my love
Now and forever my love
All I have I want to give to thee

What have we done to each other?

There...












Are no words. Only longing. And brokenness.

You've become me

I've become you.


What are we to do?

Sigh

"I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

Yvaine, Stardust

Deflated, defeated, depressed

Damned is what I am.

Dinner is...

Half a box of cigs and half a litre of coke. And other things that needn't be served on a plate.

Arm, throat, neck

Thank you for leaving scars that help me not forget you.

So here

...is where I find myself.

Uncertain. Lazy. Afraid.

This is going to hurt.
But I think it will do good.
Somehow.

How do you say

I'm sorry.

I'll remember.

Take good care.

You say goodbye

Now I am empty.