It doesn't matter

It doesn't matter who you meet, what you do, who you're with. At the end of the day, it's all about being emotionally independent. Say what you will, hell - have the people who mean something get upset that you think that - in the end, that's really all it boils down to. So you can have great times together, sure, but when it comes to it, when it's all stripped down to the core - red, raw, and beyond mending - you can say: fuck you. And walk away. 

Sometimes, you need to walk away in order to walk back again.

And sometimes, you need to walk away so you're practiced for the final time. 

Into the blender

Something's grabbed a hold of my insides, twisting, twisting, tighter, turning.

Why can't someone just flick the lights off?

Slice

The urge is strong.

It's easier when you aren't around.

It's always easier when no one's around.

You wouldn't stop me anyway.

You just create the urge.

Losing

Hair. Weight. Sleep. All the good, comfort and familiarity. 

I'm holding on by a thread to the thought that one has to first lose something to make room for gain. Sometimes, it's enough to make me wonder if I'm also losing my sanity. 

Did I mention I'm losing all my hair?

As its name suggests

I was raiding my CD collection to find it. But I kept getting lashed with everything from divas to outdated highschool tastes, to worship, party, jazzy genres, to overly sentimental mood music and the random serial soundtrack, and it seemed like I would never find anything I'd think fitting.

And then, The Calling beckoned. A little desperate, I grabbed it - never mind about looking beyond the first possible one for anything that might better suit. This seemed good enough. And really, I might as well say it was exactly what I needed. 

Scattered thoughts

Dying to self is painful because you haven't (felt you've) found something more worth the while than yourself. And even then, can one ever truly be selfless?  

Worth is measured in many ways. I am surprised to find how much I value the measure in itself, distinct from the the matter I am measuring. 

Logic may prevail, remaining unchallenged. But hope reigns above reason, for reason alone cannot satisfy if hope is not injected also into it.

Sometimes, what you have to do has nothing to do with how you feel. And that really sucks.

Knowing that time is the only saviour is no help for now. 

Because she says it so eloquently (and I am too retarded to think)

On pain,

on love, 

on being happy, 

on knowledge. 

On all the things that got me here in the first place.

I think my opposing desires will just eat and eat at me until there is nothing left of me, to be.

Knowledge; emotion; they're all crafty things that sometimes just won't play nice. 

Make or break

Whichever the choice, a part of me dies. 

Why isn't non-existence an option?

Observations about self

Life can be hard if you're an emotional sort. You feel more easily, more deeply, you leave yourself opened to being affected. But at the end of the day, she says to herself: 'I've lived.' Life seems to cruise a lot more for the intellectual. Thinking keeps you cool, calm, and under control. Making decisions is breezy if you apply logic, and perhaps a little black and white, but no one gets hurt. Neither is the better; one must go by what deems to be better for oneself. What then, when both faculties drive equally strong - if, because life just isn't already complicated enough, you find yourself equally equipped with both - and each want to move in opposing directions? Your life can get pretty screwed. 

Torn

I just don't understand how it is possible to want two opposing things at the one time. OK, I do understand, but I don't get how I let it get to that point. 

If one can never have the whole pie, then how do I decide which cuts of it are negotiable, and which are not? What happens when no cut is not wholly bad, nor wholly good? What if none of them are so simply mutually exclusive?

Is being realistic and settling the same thing?

Too much thinking is doing my head in

I just want to be happy, y'know?

But, of course, I'm wired the way I'm wired. 

And the world keeps spinning, and mine is just one big, confused blur.