Meshed

It's been awhile. Something like two weeks; fourteen days; half a month... gosh, the days just seem to whizz by. So much to say, so little that's truly significant. I guess life's been little pieces of here and there: getting organized for uni, and still at it, and for work also, ultimate immersion of all things wedding (not mine), not to mention big burning of hole in pocket towards said immersion, considering the options to making most income possible to supplement quickly expiring finances, wondering what a different life would be like, wondering if I am only ever wishful but without the guts to do more than wonder, grinding my teeth hard at backneckheadaches that just won't go away, and other such orgasmic events.

If life really is what one makes it to be, then is my life only what it is because I don't make it more? What holds one back from more? Maybe it's fear - fear of unacceptance, fear of taking risks and failing, fear of having to give up something in place of something else. Maybe it's the fear of losing... losing out, losing face, losing what you already have, losing an already precarious sense of self, losing yourself to the unknown, losing your chance at getting just a little more of what it is that isn't yours to lose in the first place. That, and being unable to lose the fears. Whatever it is, having limited resources (yes, I mean money) sure doesn't help.

On a looking-on-the-brighter-side (I think) note, I'm busy every bleeding Saturday in September.

Rats, I really need to get a (third) more reliable, consistently-paying job.

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What's sardonically funny and painfully sad at the same time, is the fact that people keep asking me. Like we're actually close. Like I know anything of relevance. I wish they were right, those people. That I did know something. Something, anything... anything at all.

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And of course, I have - no surprise now - photos. Of concert with B, and of probably one of the best days yet since I've been back, hanging with Missa and Fie. And um, the unwanted company of many an evil pigeon. Up soon!