Thanks for all the messages, guys, I'm OK.
I know you all ask how to make things better. Well, this is my venting space, and venting makes me better.
It'd better. Sometimes, venting's all you've got. And besides, if I were really gonna kill myself (or more accurately, someone else), I wouldn't really say it here now, would I?
I do bleak sometimes. Don't worry!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Is there A Clue for sale?
Even if I don't hate you, it doesn't mean I have to like you.
Your indifference is so infuriating, I could smash something, or explode.
I am sick of fixing things.
Just because they can be fixed does not mean you can fuck it up.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have to.
I wouldn't need to.
I'd save myself the trouble, and effort, all the waiting, and organizing.
And one other thing: just because I have come to terms with having to rectify it, does not mean I am going to want to talk to you, or anything with you, for the next two hours or so.
Saying sorry cannot lessen the pain -- you should get that, but no.
Get it already, and then leave me the hell alone.
Don't be clueless, fuck up, and then turn around and get pissed at me for being pissed at you.
Bloody insult to injury.
Your indifference is so infuriating, I could smash something, or explode.
I am sick of fixing things.
Just because they can be fixed does not mean you can fuck it up.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have to.
I wouldn't need to.
I'd save myself the trouble, and effort, all the waiting, and organizing.
And one other thing: just because I have come to terms with having to rectify it, does not mean I am going to want to talk to you, or anything with you, for the next two hours or so.
Saying sorry cannot lessen the pain -- you should get that, but no.
Get it already, and then leave me the hell alone.
Don't be clueless, fuck up, and then turn around and get pissed at me for being pissed at you.
Bloody insult to injury.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Do what we do
It's not easy to stop from coming across as a hardened, selfish bitch, but how do you do it without sounding insensitive and portraying another badly? I am cut as is; don't add insult to injury with probing questions about something I can only grow more sore about, or demand my cooperation when you don't even know what I put up with.
On the outside, I may seem demanding, but you don't see what I live with on the inside. Gratitude and respect does not equal bowing to someone else's demands, just as being understanding does not mean you are fulfilled.
You get away with so much; don't make me feel bad about having needs, too.
If I take it because I hate being a girl, does that mean I'm tough, or too kind?
On the outside, I may seem demanding, but you don't see what I live with on the inside. Gratitude and respect does not equal bowing to someone else's demands, just as being understanding does not mean you are fulfilled.
You get away with so much; don't make me feel bad about having needs, too.
If I take it because I hate being a girl, does that mean I'm tough, or too kind?
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Choice
I just really want to do it and get it out of my system.
OK, I don't really want it out of my system, I just really want to do it.
I don't need much encouragement, but I never initiate.
It may all come crumbling down, and my self-esteem may be ruined eternally.
So. Should I do it, or should I not?
OK, I don't really want it out of my system, I just really want to do it.
I don't need much encouragement, but I never initiate.
It may all come crumbling down, and my self-esteem may be ruined eternally.
So. Should I do it, or should I not?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The thing is
The thing is, I've never associated any one of it to you. It's not a bad thing, surely, but is it a good thing?
The thing is, I relate way too many of them to you. It's unhealthy, I'm sure, like that bad habit you just won't break.
The thing is, I don't want to fall into that stereotype. But is being categorized like so something so bad? And if it's merely generalized assumptions, why do I care?
The thing is, I never expected it to take this turn. I certainly didn't plan it, and I didn't go looking. It just happened to be, but many supposed benefits (and I'm not saying there are none) are hot air hearsay.
The thing is, I worry for you. But what can I really do, to help? Am I not proactive enough? Is there a solution extrinsic to you?
The thing is, I don't know how you became this way. But I know your being this way makes me this way. By now, I know to make my own decisions, and take personal responsibility. I just wished it isn't always so hard, so much work.
The thing is, hypocritical behaviour irritates me. But who isn't guilty of it, least of all me?
The thing is, I miss you. For who you are, but also for who I am with you.
The thing is, when prevailing need is left to simmer unattended, to where do you turn?
The thing is, I relate way too many of them to you. It's unhealthy, I'm sure, like that bad habit you just won't break.
The thing is, I don't want to fall into that stereotype. But is being categorized like so something so bad? And if it's merely generalized assumptions, why do I care?
The thing is, I never expected it to take this turn. I certainly didn't plan it, and I didn't go looking. It just happened to be, but many supposed benefits (and I'm not saying there are none) are hot air hearsay.
The thing is, I worry for you. But what can I really do, to help? Am I not proactive enough? Is there a solution extrinsic to you?
The thing is, I don't know how you became this way. But I know your being this way makes me this way. By now, I know to make my own decisions, and take personal responsibility. I just wished it isn't always so hard, so much work.
The thing is, hypocritical behaviour irritates me. But who isn't guilty of it, least of all me?
The thing is, I miss you. For who you are, but also for who I am with you.
The thing is, when prevailing need is left to simmer unattended, to where do you turn?
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Photo Dump 2007: T's Grad
The Life*Doctors join the ever-growing posse
of medical professionals
There is the usual
obligatory family shot
...and the typical Asian shot with the all important cert
(which, as you can see, isn't appreciated by everyone)
T's #1 supporter who plied
steadfast belief from start to finish
One of the Doctors Heng
Guess I have two options where to get drugged up? :D
Snapshots with friends begin,
starting with Evie
Anna is so damn cute
I just love being around her
...and here's a 2nd shot
because I can! ;P
One with Al, the lil' battery pack
of smiles and energy and spark
This little missy gets her turn at 'Dr' next year
And when we first met, we only were wee things
Sidney and T
post nine years of uni
With TK and Vera
Fun times!
All smiles with 3.5 Chans
By this time, it's 4 with bubba Reuben!
Too cool for school
with the Law
And then there's Kam
who's too cool for anything? :P
Not so little Bekky
is adorable with dimples!
(And did I mention, havoc w the xbox?)
Ching and Heng
do their thing!
(and I will leech it off them!)
T with his best friend (awww)
who, in fact, actually almost signed up for med with T
...until, that is, the good wife stepped in!
One for the album with the Chuas
When there are these many boys together,
it normally means mayhem of you-know-which kind
With Han Shin who was, basically, T's secretary
Med school would have been a whole lot more painful without her!
Matt, one of the brainy ones, so cute here
complete with tie and hair combed sideways
Sweet Ingrid
Another one on the brain bandwagon
T and me -- I think he was coerced into it by this time
because all he wanted was to head home for his bbq!
Photo with his girls Lyra and Han Shin
Pretty good for someone dying to take off his regalia
Pleasure State
I admired from afar for a while.
It was a matter of time before I succumbed.
And now, Pleasure State - you are my new lust-have!
Repeated haves, that is.
It was a matter of time before I succumbed.
And now, Pleasure State - you are my new lust-have!
Repeated haves, that is.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
NYD '08: first minute mullings
2008 marks unquestionably that I have now entered the realm of adulthood, those markers not altogether being deliberate nor unintentional nor of my direct involvement, but because they are parts of life which go on as it does whether you are ready for them or not.
2006 was the year of the weddings; I witnessed eight.
In 2007 - what else - we welcomed new life. All seven to be exact.
This year, we expect another 4, and who's to say there aren't more already in the works?
Am I excited? Yes. Freaked out? You bet.
Do I need to learn to be less of a control freak to really live? Will being less compartmentalize actually make me more happy? Am I not ready, is it just denial? Do my managing mechanisms and coping capabilities need oiling, and what do I do when it is so easy just to give in? Is giving in even bad, or just thought to be unacceptable from social conditioning? Will I learn the balance of contentment, too much being the weed of motivation, too little being the seed of discontent?
I know, I mull.
But I'm taking in the good with the not so good, and making note to remember that things are really, in the end, what you make of them.
This year, I have no lofty resolutions, only this: I know I'm flawed, but that's not stopping me. My frequency may need some work; adjusting in progress.
Life, anyone?
2006 was the year of the weddings; I witnessed eight.
In 2007 - what else - we welcomed new life. All seven to be exact.
This year, we expect another 4, and who's to say there aren't more already in the works?
Am I excited? Yes. Freaked out? You bet.
Do I need to learn to be less of a control freak to really live? Will being less compartmentalize actually make me more happy? Am I not ready, is it just denial? Do my managing mechanisms and coping capabilities need oiling, and what do I do when it is so easy just to give in? Is giving in even bad, or just thought to be unacceptable from social conditioning? Will I learn the balance of contentment, too much being the weed of motivation, too little being the seed of discontent?
I know, I mull.
But I'm taking in the good with the not so good, and making note to remember that things are really, in the end, what you make of them.
This year, I have no lofty resolutions, only this: I know I'm flawed, but that's not stopping me. My frequency may need some work; adjusting in progress.
Life, anyone?
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